Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
