I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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