I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
