Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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