Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
