hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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