remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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