I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This house was built for laser tag.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
