Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
