can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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