Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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