Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
