I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
