He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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