well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
