my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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