The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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