can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
