she woke up with a sticky ear
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I will be naked everywhere
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
