I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
