I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sext me about skeletons
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
