alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
