I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
