I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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