My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
