i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
