Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
