I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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