broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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