U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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