1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
