It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
