just tell him i said nine months
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
