Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
