We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
