I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
