I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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