I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
