Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
