apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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