This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
