I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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