i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
