So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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