dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
