I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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