Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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