Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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