Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
