im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
