i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Found the puke drawer
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
